Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
