my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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