I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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