After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
