happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
