I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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