So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
