so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
