So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sorry about my life...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
