Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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