so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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