Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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