yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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