two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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