I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
