a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
