Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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