if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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