I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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