proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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