Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you traded sex for a burrito?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
