I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
