Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
