You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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