This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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