Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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