You made me cry and you don't even care
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
