He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
