so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize