My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I forget how to act sober
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
