i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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