Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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