i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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