You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
