Too much gin, very little bucket
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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