the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
