so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
