I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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