I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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