Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
