The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
