i was born a porn star she said
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
