At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
