i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
