Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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