My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
