sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
