Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
