You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
