dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
