I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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