they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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