I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
