just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
