Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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