i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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