I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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