fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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