why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
