My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize