dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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