I am spending my child support on dildos
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
