Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize