grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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