Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sorry my hands just texted you
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
