I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
