dude i'm inner monologue high
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
