It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
