i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
