So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
