It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
